How I’m learning to break my silence and fight racism

We grow together when we become open to talk about the real issues, fearlessly.

Cute Girl With A Banjo

King-Martin-Luther-slience

“If they aren’t doing anything unlawful, then they shouldn’t have anything to worry about.” 

It’s a common refrain used by defensive white people who would like to pretend that minorities, specifically black people, are not targeted by law enforcement. I’m sorry to say there was an ignorant time in my life when I believed this too.

For much of my teens and twenties, even as I consumed black culture, co-opted and appropriated it because it was “oh-so-cool-and-different,” I bought in to boot-strapping black respectability politics. I thought if black people would just “act right” then they wouldn’t get into trouble. I thought that being “colorblind” meant not being racist; that if we willed the differences away, they’d slink to the furthest reaches of the earth, never to be seen again.

I am embarrassed about my past ignorance (and am still learning), but it also makes sense. I was privileged, grew up…

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So much to write but where do I begin?

As I shared in my earlier posts, writing has always come simple for me. Growing up an only child for most of my life, I use my imagination constantly to keep me amused.

So when I started back writing in my adulthood, I had ideas pouring out everywhere. I had a child’s perspective of the trials and tribulations of a single mom. Actual paranormal activities that to this day scare my closes friends. I’ve experienced through love lost and love gained; battle scars that are a true testament of real love. And I’ve even had baby momma/side chick drama that could  beat the best soap opera you ever saw.

All so real but all still too personal to my heart. Like other writers, I feared being judged again on my journey — which I know I shouldn’t care about especially since I tell you guys not to but I’m still a work in progress too. Yes it is my past and helped me to be who I am today, but I wasn’t ready to relive it. I wanted to venture away from reality into something more freeing. So I changed gears and decided to write about something I not only enjoyed but felt like it would resonate with others.

Sex. But not just sex, the emotions, reactions, fears, desires, and passion surrounding it. My stories would technically be labeled as fictional erotica but I think it truly falls into a new category. A category I’ve coined PassionFy — A genre of fiction dealing with intense emotion based off of untraditional scenarios.

Now don’t think that I’m writing a tell all book. Hell naw! It’s about me playing off of my own wild imagination. It’s  about stepping away from society’s constraints into a world of “what if” or “do I dare”.

And bam! My mind was going and I began to write non-stop. I let my inhibitions out safely on paper and boy did it feel good. But then, as I’m creating, I realized the type of scrutiny that I could possibly undergo. Not from my close family and friends, they’ve always been supportive of my dreams, but from those who either don’t know me well or if at all.Those who can’t wait to judge me on something else. Questions started racing through my head; Will they challenge my devotion to my faith? Would people look differently at me because of the topics I address?

Answer: Of course people will and I have to be ok with that. My faith has never been stronger especially since I’ve realized that He gave me this gift for a reason. Secondly, people should look at me differently and see that I’m finally being me, using my voice in a way that reaches the masses. For years people have taken my shy and calm demeanor as a weakness when really it’s one of my strengths. I’ve used those quiet and internalized years to work on my voice and who I wanted to be. This is me. Like it or hate it, it is who I am and I hope that my writing will speak to you, and all my readers, in a way you’ve never heard before.

 I’ll be releasing the title and snip-its of the book very soon! Please stay tuned, subscribe and enjoy this ride with me.

Oh one more thing, I may not have been ready to write about those other pieces of my life but I am now…more is definitely coming sooner than later!

#passionfy #yourgift #onlyGODcanjudgeme #likeitorhateit #dnc

My Literary Journey: Writing through devastation

Life soon started to spin out of control. Issues from finances, to relationships, to family conflicts, to grades soon deflected me once again from one of the things I loved most. And then it happened…

The day after Christmas I left my hometown going back to school in order to pick up my last paycheck from Victoria’s Secret. As I stepped out of the store, meeting back up with my boyfriend, I saw and felt a mood shift in him. He grabbed my hand and told me to call my mom’s phone. I kept asking him “why” and he just kept saying that something happened. I asked “liked what” but emotions started to take over him so I just called, still hoping that his reaction was an overreaction to whatever situation it was. I called the phone and my Auntie picked up. As I got in the car I heard “She’s gone” but I didn’t understand.

“What do you mean, like traveling or what?” As dumb as that question may sound now, it was truly my first thought. Never did I think that on December 26, 2006, months before her 50th birthday and months after my graduation from college that I would be hearing that my mother, my best friend, my supporter, my disciplinarian, my rock was taken from me suddenly. I was devastated. The pain that I felt could never be described. The confusion that I felt cause me many periods of breakdowns and blackouts. The seconds, minutes, hours, days and weeks that follow are pretty lost to me now. I can remember family and friends calling and coming to comfort me but no one could understand what I was going through. I was lost. Even with everyone around me, I felt alone and scared.

As months passed I feel into a deep depression. I gained weight, felt negative about everything and everyone around me. I’m not proud to say this but I tried to take my life several times. On my last attempt my boyfriend, and now husband, rescued me and spoke words into me that has stayed with me ever since — “We need you!”

Never once had I every thought about that. I needed my mother and she was now gone so I felt I had no other reason to live. But I did. I had many reasons to live; beautiful children that I was helping to raise, family and framily that I needed to be there for as much as they were there for me, and a passion that I had yet to really attack.

My best friend sent me a package for my birthday. It was a basket of spa items along with a notebook and pen. I opened that card to read “Write it down. Write everything that your feeling down. Get it out and it will make you feel so much better.”

And she was right. A year passed and even though I was still mourning my mother, I was now getting back to my basics – writing and creating.

My life went through several more lows but even more highs and through it all I kept writing. And so here I am today ready to share my literary journey with the world.

I’m only a few months away from releasing my first book and I want to share with you my writing process and maybe it will inspire you or maybe you can join the conversation and inspire others. Let the journey begin!

My Literary Journey – Won’t you walk with me?

It’s been a long road but I can finally see the finish line. I’m almost ready to release my first book but boy has it been a journey. Writing feels amazing to me. I can release my thoughts and emotions and sometimes share them with others in hopes to bring about some sort of reaction — positive reactions hopefully. I want to share my journey as I know I’m not the only one on this path but I do know every story is different. Won’t you walk with me?

In the beginning…

I’ve been writing since I can remember. I hated my own hand writing but I loved the stories that came from it. Growing up as an only child, I had a wild imagination. I can remember my first book being like 10 8 1/2″ X 11″ wide ruler sheets folded in half and stapled at the crease. You know, to give that bound look. Each page had a sentence or two with a colorful picture.

I remember showing it to my mom and her being like “Oh this is nice.” I was soooo proud of my creations. Now that I think about it, I can also remember when I moved away from wanting to write. It was when I started school and I realized there were so many rules to writing. “Use commas to separate words and groups of words in a simple series of three or more items.” or ‘Never end a sentence with a preposition.” Where was the fun in all that!!!

Oh and when typing/computers came into play “don’t forget to double-space after every sentence.” I mean, can I just write how I talk. NOPE!

My creativity was sucked from my soul and writing soon became a tedious task and not a creative outlet. I was able to have moments of quick release by writing my boot camp boyfriend love letters while away but that was it and that only lasted for a couple of months.

I went all the way through to college before the glimmer started coming back. I don’t know if it was the physical freedom of moving into my own space or dorm. Or if it was the opening of a new world for me, one where I was able to observe reality in a new light. Either way I started writing poems and stories intertwined with moments of love and lust. I pass some of my stories around to my close friends, just see how they would respond and to my surprised they were intrigued and wanted more.

Life soon started to spin out of control. Issues from finances, to relationships, to family conflicts, to grades soon deflected me once again from one of the things I loved most. And then it happened…

Come back next week to see what happened that truly knocked my passion out of sight and out of mind.